i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I stole a fireplace last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
