i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
