Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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