The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
