I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
