I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
