Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
