alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you made out with another girl for some wings
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize