Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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