Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
sarcasm needs its own font
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
