You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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