My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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