so that wasnt chicken after all
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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