she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
