there's paper in my vomit.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
