btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
