i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
