Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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