Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
