mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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