I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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