Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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