You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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