i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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