Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
