I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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