My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
