dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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