i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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