I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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