My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
