I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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