He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
