i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just googled if crying burns calories
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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