My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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