Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
