I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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