i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
