obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
