never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
