I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think i got beer on your cat.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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