Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
