You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
