Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
