If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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