ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
where am i from again
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
