Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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