Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
