things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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