The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
