there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
