U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
