She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
PANTIES FOUND
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