I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
