Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
