So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
that is very illegal...i love you.
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