I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
